Saturday, November 5, 2016

Introduction

I love B movies. UFOs, werewolves, zombies, inept acting, dime store special effects, plot holes you could drive a Freightliner through  … I can’t get enough of them. They can’t be cheesy enough for me. Ed Wood (and Bill Rebane and Larry Buchanan and Jess Franco and Ray Dennis Steckler) are my heroes.


One thing I noticed I particularly liked in these things were the babes. Not only were they pleasant to look at, but their lack of acting skills was often highly amusing.

In fact, I started keeping a list of the ones I particularly liked, checking out their other movies, learning a little about them, even collecting their autographs. The next step – for someone as obsessive-compulsive as me, at least – was obviously this blog.

What Makes a B Movie Babe?

This may go without saying, but the first thing is to have to been in some B movies. So, forget the Shakespeare and the Tennessee Williams. What you need here are aliens, and vampires, and escapees from the local insane asylum.

Second, you do have to be a babe. I mean, you’re basically here as eye candy for hormonal male teenagers, right? (Sorry, Dolores Fuller.)


Dolores

As a direct corollary to that, it’s also essential that you possess very limited acting skills. Hey, why distract or confuse your audience with stuff like that? Extra points, though, if you think you’re the next Meryl Streep.

Along those same lines, it also really helps if there is a wide, yawning gap between your extremely plebian origins and the glamorous image the studio has created for you. Who knew Dominique Vouvray was really Betty Jo Blatsky from Passaic? You know, “Miss Classy Chassis of 1956”? The one who got all nekkid in Randy Gentleman magazine?

There are also other certain off-screen requirements to follow as well. For example, what could possibly say “B movie babe” better than multiple marriages of very brief duration, catfights with co-stars, late-night arrests, overdoses, and various other evidence of borderline personality disorder?


Special Notes

One thing you’ll notice here is the time period I’ve emphasized. Basically, I’ve tried to hit what I see as the heyday of the B movie. And that’s why this blog is heavy on the ‘50s and ‘60s, with a fair amount of ‘70s and some ‘40s as well. Yeah, yeah, I know there are plenty of B movies in later years (and today), but they just don’t seem to have the same feel as those from that classic era.

Veronica Lake

Another thing you’ll notice is that this list doesn’t contain anyone even remotely famous. To me, obscurity just seems to go hand-in-hand with B movies. So, even though they were in some stinkers (and had rather florid bios to match) actresses like Joan Collins, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Veronica Lake, Jayne Mansfield, and Elke Sommer were simply too popular and well-known to make the cut.

Same goes for stars who became too intimately associated with one particular TV role. Believe me, I would love to have included Tina Louise, Yvonne DeCarlo, Barbara Eden, Diana Rigg, Elizabeth Montgomery, and Carolyn Jones. Unfortunately, they’re just too strongly associated in our minds with Ginger, Lily, Jeannie, Emma Peel, Samantha and Morticia.

Ginger!

One final thing you’ll notice here is that this list is totally subjective. For example, you’ll notice Barbara Steel [spoiler alert] is not number one! Now, this may be complete sacrilege to some of you out there, but I guess there’s no accounting for taste. Don’t like it? Start your own blog!


Honorable Mention >                    #100 >

Friday, October 28, 2016

#1 Caroline Munro *

* - author has her autograph

A stunning brunette from across the pond, Caroline Munro supplemented her limited thespian skills with incredible looks. She was a Bond babe and Hammer honey, and was in some classic sci-fi movies as well (including the priceless Starcrash).  She has her own website, is very popular on the fan circuit, and seems to be beloved by all.  And she still looks incredible!



Cheesy Pageant Titles:  Evening Standard (London) Face of the Year Contest

Embarrassing Movies
  • Maniac
  • Howl of the Devil
  • Dracula Today
  • Slaughter High
  • Captain Kronos – Vampire Hunter *
  • Flesh for the Beast

* - author has seen


Embarrassing Taglines
  • A galactic adventure beyond your wildest dreams! 
  • The time: now. The place: Kings Road, Chelsea. The killer: Count Dracula.
  • There's horror in the halls... Lynching in the lunchroom... Murder in metal shop
  • The hit British gay comedy about cruising... in the afterlife!


Embarrassing Characters
  • Mystic Mary
  • Carla the Gypsy
  • Stella Star
  • Abbey Church

Unlikely Spouses & Boyfriends:  Robert Plant, of Led Zeppelin


Interesting Tidbits
  • Went to a convent school, and was taught by nuns
  • Started as a model
  • Cut an EP (her backing band included Cream, as well as Steve Howe of Yes)
  • Was a game show hostess
  • Has appeared in music videos for Adam Ant and Meat Loaf
  • Is dyslexic
  • Has never appeared nude


Where can I learn more?


Ah, the '80s

<#2

Monday, October 24, 2016

#2 Barbara Bouchet

A German-American with a French name, Barbara Bouchet made an early mark as a Bond Girl (she actually played Miss Moneypenny, albeit in the dreadful Casino Royale). She later did one-off TV shows like the Man from U.N.C.L.E. and Star Trek, finally ending her career by heading back to Europe to make cheapo Italian horror movies and sex comedies. Like many European actresses, she was more than happy to get all nekkid.


Embarrassing Real Name:  Barbel Goutscherola

Embarrassing Real Birthplace:  Liberec, Czech Republic

Cheesy Pageant Titles
  • Miss China Beach
  • Miss Firecracker 
  • Miss Perfect Gidget

Embarrassing Movies

  • Agent for H.A.R.M. *
  • Darkside Witches
  • Death Rage
  • Black Belly of the Tarantula
  • Duck in Orange Sauce
  • Don’t Torture a Duckling (I'm detecting a theme here)
* - author has seen

(That's Italian for "Don't Torture a Duckling")


Embarrassing Taglines

  • An explosion of sexual frenzy!
  • Six black witches are back and they’re hungry for vengeance 
  • With needles dipped in deadly venom the victims are paralyzed – so they must lie awake and watch themselves die!

Embarrassing Characters

  • Astrid Porsche
  • Tippy Penfield
  • Narcissus Darling



Interesting Tidbits
  • First gig was on a local (San Francisco) teenage dance show
  • Her first 10 or so films were all major releases, featuring names such as Preminger, Huston, Wayne, Niven, Sellers, Bacall, Lemmon, Newman, and Mitchum (though Barbara was typically listed as "uncredited")
  • Was something of the Jane Fonda of Italy, publishing books and videotapes, and hosting a TV show, on aerobics
  • Son Alessandro is a chef on Italian TV
  • Is besties with Corinne Clery

Where can I learn more?




<#3                    #1>







Friday, October 14, 2016

#3 Edwige Fenech

This exotic brunette is half Italian and half Maltese, was born in Algeria, grew up in France, and later lived in Italy. She is also extremely attractive, and more than willing to drop her clothes at the slightest instigation. Her specialty was Italian sex comedies, but she also did her fair share of giallos.  

Because she was much more popular in Continental Europe, I could find surprisingly little on her in English. I was, however, able to find these interesting additional facts courtesy of Google Translate:
  • The cinema is not far, and our friend began quietly in 1966 in a French comedy "Johnny Be Good", where she plays the utilities.
  • The shapely head and long teeth, it will not be long to settle permanently in Italy, where job opportunities abound.
  • Actress limited without being null, the former Lady Europe has indeed exceptional asset for photogenic, well-rounded shape and skin texture through wonderfully in the picture, which often stripped of its benefits for erotic models big screen.


Embarrassing Real Name:  Edwige Sfenek

Embarrassing Real Birthplace:  Bone, Algeria

Pageant Titles
  • Miss Mannequin de la Cote d'Azur
  • Miss France

Embarrassing Movies
  • Erotic Exploits of a Sexy Seducer
  • The Schoolteacher Goes to Boys High
  • A Policewoman on the Porno Squad
  • Strip Nude for Your Killer
  • All Kitties Go for Sweeties
  • Holy God, Here Comes the Passatorre!


Embarrassing Taglines
  • The killer slices without mercy!
  • They exist. They bear the mark of the devil inside them. They may be your neighbors. They may be your wife, husband, sweetheart. They may even be your children. Their time has come.
  • That amorous, explosive, provocative, lusty, voluptuous female is at it once more

Embarrassing Characters
  • Barbara Wimply 
  • Samoa
  • Hong-Kong
  • Takimoto, the Japanese engineer

Interesting Tidbits
  • Has produced over 20-some mostly made-for-TV movies
  • Son Edwin is also a producer
  • Quentin Tarrentino named a character after her in Inglourious Basterds

Where can I learn more?



<#4                    #2>

Friday, October 7, 2016

#4 Sylva Koscina

Born in the former Yugoslavia of a Greek father and a Polish mother, Sylva Koscina went on to live and do most of her work in Italy. Starting out in sword and sandal epics, she soon had screen credits in a number of genres, most of which involved her taking off her clothes. “Ultimately,” as IMDb nicely puts it, “her ornamental qualities rather exceeded her abilities as an actress.” Ah, but what “ornamental qualities” they were.


Embarrassing Real Birthplace:  Split, Croatia

Cheesy Pageant Titles:  Miss Di Tappa

Embarrassing Movies
  • Destination Fury
  • Vertigo for a Killer
  • Homo Eroticus
  • I See Naked 
  • Monkey Money
  • Hercules' Pills
  • Are We Men or Corporals?

Embarrassing Taglines
  • Track him ... chase him ... unarm or undress him ... but never underestimate That Man in Istanbul
  • Love in a land of treachery and temptation!
  • When a pair of nuns get involved in jet-age business and jet-set romance, the fun is non-stop all the way!
  • Bigness unmatched! Spectacle undreamed!


Embarrassing Characters
  • She
  • Reluctant Girl
  • Odette Mercury
  • Favouille Grandblaise 
  • Countess Rita-Engeneer Pedercini's Sister

Shortest Marriage:  4 years

Unlikely Spouses & Boyfriends
  • Jean-Paul Belmondo
  • Kirk Douglas
  • Paul Newman


Whiffs of Scandal
  • Lots of nudity
  • Had to give up her palatial home in Rome to settle tax bills
  • Had a brawl with a male co-star who punched her right in the kisser
  • Had some scenes cuts from Lisa and the Devil because they were “pornographic”
  • Was indicted for bigamy after a quickie Mexican marriage

Interesting Tidbits
  • Studied physics at the University of Naples
  • Was in a Fellini flick

Where can I learn more?


Sadly, the mushroom hat never really caught on



<#5                    #3>

Sunday, October 2, 2016

#5 Ingrid Pitt

Beautiful and sexy, Ingrid Pitt is my all-time favorite B movie vampire. One of the Hammer honeys, they labeled her “the most beautiful ghoul in the world.” 

Though she actually didn’t make that many horror movies (and they weren’t all Hammer), she was not someone any viewer was likely to forget. She also did a wonderful job keeping her legacy alive, becoming a convention regular, operating her own website, writing articles for other sites and magazines, and always staying in character.

Her back story, by the way, is one of the most interesting I’ve ever run across. As a child, she actually spent three years in a Nazi concentration camp. And as a teen, she escaped from East Germany by diving in a river, swimming across, and marrying the U.S. soldier who rescued her.


Embarrassing Real Name:  Ingoushka Petrov

Embarrassing Real Birthplace:  Czestochowa, Poland

Embarrassing Movies
  • The Sound of Horror
  • Countess Dracula
  • The Vampire Lovers *
  • The House That Dripped Blood *
* - author has seen

Embarrassing Taglines
  • Makes You Quiver and Quake!
  • David Lynch meets The Brides of Dracula
  • Vampires! Voodoo! Vixens! Victims!
  • If you dare... taste the deadly passion of the BLOOD-NYMPHS


Embarrassing Characters
  • Hooker
  • The Leper
  • Elvira
  • Lady Violator

Number of Marriages:  3

Whiffs of Scandal:  nudes


Interesting Tidbits
  • Was discovered at a bullfight
  • Was a member of the prestigious Berliner Ensemble, directed by Bertolt Brecht
  • Made her film debut in Doctor Zhivago
  • Was a judge on a BBC talent show
  • Wrote ten books
  • Was a huge cricket fan
  • Had a pilot license and a black belt in karate

Where can I learn more?


One lump or two?



<#6                    #4>

Friday, September 23, 2016

#6 Madeline Smith

Madeline Smith’s Wikipedia article cuts straight to the chase. In the third paragraph, it simply states, “She was noted for her ample breasts.” She was also known for her Hammer credits, a stint as a Bond girl (where Roger Moore undid her zipper with his magnetic watch), and plenty of Brit TV. That last bit was mostly in comedic roles, primarily of the wink-wink-nudge-nudge variety. 

In the many interviews I came across on the Internets, she comes across as incredibly sweet. And she still looks great today.


Embarrassing Movies
  • The Devil’s Widow
  • The Vampire Lovers *
  • Anyone for Sex?
  • Theatre of Blood
  • Taste the Blood of Dracula
  • Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell
* - author has seen

Embarrassing Taglines
  • She drained them of their manhood - and then of their LIVES!
  • DRINK A PINT OF BLOOD A DAY
  • His brain came from a genius. His body came from a killer. His soul came from hell!
  • An erotic nightmare of tormented lusts that throb in headless, undead bodies!

Embarrassing Characters
  • Miss UK
  • Miss Clutterbuck
  • Miss Nupkins
  • Miss Bedwell
  • Erotica


Interesting Tidbits
  • Was discovered in her father’s antique shop
  • Returned to acting in 2011 after an 11-year absence
  • Her 2000 appearance, in turn, came after a 14-year break
  • Played the female lead in The Mousetrap (the longest running play of all time) for a couple of years 

Where can I learn more?



<#7                    #5>

Friday, September 16, 2016

#7 Mara Corday

Ava Gardner look-alike Mara Corday is pretty much forgotten today. The brunette sexpot was quite active during the ‘50s though – as pin-up; Playboy playmate; and star of sci-fi and exploitation flicks, as well as two-bit TV shows (The Man from Blackhawk, anyone?). She pretty much gave up acting at age 30 to raise her family.


Embarrassing Real Name:  Marilyn Watts (Mara’s from Marilyn, Corday came from a perfume ad she saw in a magazine)

Cheesy Pageant Titles
  • Go Girl
  • Ich Bon Girl
  • Honorary Fire Chief, Universal City, CA

Embarrassing Movies
  • Undersea Girl
  • Girls on the Loose
  • Problem Girls
  • Tarzan and the She-Devil
  • The Giant Claw *
* - author has seen


Embarrassing Taglines
  • The daring and startling story of wild young love!
  • Nothing can tame them, scandal can't shame them!
  • The hideous inhuman being that defied every law of nature
  • More terrifying than any horror known to man comes a creeping, crawling monster whose towering fury no one can escape!

Embarrassing Characters
  • Nono
  • Paca
  • Stick Lady
  • Moccasin Mary

Unlikely Spouses & Boyfriends
  • Lex Barker (former Tarzan)
  • Audie Murphy 
  • John Wayne


Quite possibly, my favorite cheesecake pic of all time


Whiffs of Scandal
  • Worked as an underage showgirl
  • Appeared in mags such as Cover Girl Models, Modern Man, He, and The Male Point
  • Appeared in Playboy (though times were so innocent she managed to keep her clothes on and still be Playmate of the Month)

Interesting Tidbits
  • Fascinated by movies from an early age, was an autograph hound and an usherette
  • Was once the most photographed woman in the world, posing for over 10,000 pictures
  • Shared top billing once with a mule (Francis Joins the WACS)
  • Still does bit parts for friend Clint Eastwood

Where can I learn more?


And you call that cheesecake?


<#8                    #6>



Friday, September 9, 2016

#8 Mari Blanchard

The model for Lil’ Abner’s Stupefyin’ Jones, Mari Blanchard starred in many ‘50s oaters before turning her attention to TV.  The blonde turned brunette (what’s that all about?) was famous for playing bad girls. There’s a wonderful video of her in a classic catfight on YouTube.


Cheesy Pageant Titles
  • Miss Click, Hollywood Cameramen’s Guild
  • Aye Girl, Pacific Fleet
  • Miss Classy Chassis, United Auto Workers

Embarrassing Movies
  • Stagecoach to Fury
  • Jungle Heat
  • She Devil *
  • Don’t Knock the Twist
  • Abbott and Costello Go to Mars
* - author has seen

Embarrassing Taglines
  • They’re out of this world on a misguided missile!
  • Hold on to your turbans!  Here comes Adventure’s boldest son!
  • Never such a tender love story!  Never such a savage showdown!  Never such restless natives!


Embarrassing Characters
  • Allura
  • Burma
  • Madame Gamar
  • Countess Van Hochenstein

Number of Marriages:  3

Shortest Marriage:  2 months

Unlikely Spouses and Boyfriends
  • Victor Mature
  • Lance Fuller (Ed Wood favorite)
  • Mel Torme
  • George Raft

Whiffs of Scandal:  Was in murdered gangster Johnny Stompanato’s little black book


Untimely Demise:  At age 47, from cancer

Interesting Tidbits
  • Her mom was a psychotherapist
  • Had polio as a child
  • Ran away and joined the circus at age 17
  • Had a degree in international law
  • Discovered in a bubble bath ad
  • Answered all her own fan mail

Where can I learn more?

Nice hat!


<#9                    #7>

Friday, September 2, 2016

#9 Barbara Steele

Hard to believe, but I haven’t always been a fan of La Steele. For one thing, she always seemed a little funny looking. Plus, I had only seen some of her weaker, just-phoning-it-in efforts.

A quick look at some of her better stuff though (Black Sunday, for example) quickly disabused me of those notions. She really is something else. Those eyes. That eroticism. Her very belle laide (i.e., unconventional) beauty. Her ability to portray both the innocent and the evil – along with an uncanny ability to make that evil appear extremely attractive. She truly is one of a kind.


Embarrassing Real Birthplace:  Birkenhead

Embarrassing Movies
  • The She Beast *
  • Nightmare Castle *
  • Orgasmo
  • Castle of Blood
  • Curse of the Crimson Altar
  • Terror Creatures from the Grave *
  • The Long Hair of Death
* - author has seen

Embarrassing Taglines with the Word “Orgy” in Them
  • The living and the dead change places in an orgy of terror!
  • They rise from dank coffins in the dead of night, murdering their victims in an orgy of slaughter!
  • The Undead Demons of Hell Terrorize the World in an Orgy of Stark Horror!


Additional Embarrassing Taglines
  • What obscene prayer or human sacrifice can satisfy the Devil-God?
  • The candle of his lust burnt brightest in the shadow of the grave!
  • His secret was a coffin named DESIRE!

Embarrassing Characters
  • Cleo Hauff
  • Bozena
  • Idat
  • Grandma (Lost River, 2014)


Interesting Tidbits
  • Studied to be a painter
  • First acting gig was on Brighton Pier 
  • Was slated to be an Elvis girl, but walked off the set when they asked her to go blonde (with Barbara Eden taking her part)
  • Was in Fellini’s masterpiece 8 ½ 
  • Also worked in the spy (The Monocle), sword-and-sandal (Rampage of Evil), babes-behind-bars (Caged Heat), and sci-fi (The Space-Watch Murders) genres
  • Is quite dismissive of her horror career
  • Became a producer later in her career, winning an Emmy for War and Remembrance
  • Was an associate producer on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy

Where can I learn more?


Nice hat!


<#10                    #8>

Friday, August 26, 2016

#10 Martine Beswick

Martine Beswick may be my all-time favorite villainess. Cool, sleek, haughty, and “with razor-blade cheekbones, firmly set jaw and hungry eyes” (IMDb), she could always be counted on to be the very embodiment of evil and cruelty.

Interestingly, though, Martine got her start by appearing in several Bond flicks. Her catfight scene in From Russia with Love is definitely worth looking up on YouTube. In fact, she developed something of a reputation for catfights, going mano a mano with Raquel Welch in the caveman flick One Million Years BC.

Beswick was also a “Hammer honey” (where she did the majority of her villainess work), did some spaghetti westerns, was in a little soft porn, and did a fair amount of American TV (even including some soaps). She’s on the convention circuit these days, and still looks stunning.


Real Name:  Mary Beswick

Cheesy Pageant Titles
  • Miss Autoville (?!?!)
  • Miss Jamaica, runner up

Embarrassing Movies
  • Prehistoric Women *
  • Slave Girls
  • Doctor Jekyll and Sister Hyde *
  • Devil Dog: The Hound of Hell *
  • Last Tango in Zagarol
* - author has seen

Embarrassing Taglines
  • Savage Struggle! Primitive Passions! Deadly Jealousy!
  • A Band of Killers Stalk the Countryside ... LOOTING ... KILLING ... LOVING ... Everything in Sight!
  • Travel back through time and space to the edge of man's beginnings... discover a savage world whose only law was lust!
  • PARENTS: Be sure your children are sufficiently mature to witness the intimate details of this frank and revealing film


Embarrassing Characters
  • Shali Giba
  • Kandia
  • Queen Kari
  • Nupondi of the Rock People
  • Queen of Evil

Whiffs of Scandal
  • Nudes in Playboy 
  • The Happy Hooker Goes Hollywood

Interesting Tidbits
  • Born in Jamaica to British parents
  • Was spotted by a talent scout in a local travelogue
  • Was in Oliver Stone’s first film, Seizure

Where can I learn more?


Nice, er, hat?



<#11                    #9>

Sunday, August 21, 2016

#11 Pam Grier

Well, we certainly can’t have a blog about B movie babes without including Pam Grier. She’s got the bod, the movies, and that incredible ‘tude as well. In case you weren’t already aware, her specialties were babes-behind-bars and blaxploitation flicks. Her typical character was total bad-ass – and total fox – all at the same time. She totally didn't need it, but her career was completely resurrected when Quentin Tarantino put her in Jackie Brown in 1997.


Embarrassing Real Birthplace:  Winston-Salem, NC

Embarrassing Movies
  • Strip Search
  • Black Mama, White Mama
  • Ghosts of Mars
  • Scream Blacula Scream
  • Women in Cages *
* - author has seen

Embarrassing Taglines
  • The baddest one-chick hit-squad that ever hit town!
  • A chick with drive who don't take no jive!
  • See wild women fight to the death!
  • She's brown sugar and spice, but if don't treat her nice, she'll put you on ice!
  • Chicks in Chains... on the lam from a prison hell - manacled together by hate and the strange ideas a woman gets after 1000 nights without a man.
  • Animal desires... Human lust. Test Tube terrors... Half beast... all monster.

Embarrassing Characters
  • Gozelda
  • Vera Cruz
  • Ayesa, the Panther Woman
  • Dust Witch
  • Eleanor Braithwaite Winthrop


Unlikely Spouses & Boyfriends
  • Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
  • Freddie Prinze
  • Richard Pryor

Interesting Tidbits
  • Is part Black, Asian, Hispanic, and Native American
  • Is the cousin of football star Rosey Greer
  • Was a military brat
  • Came in 3rd in the Colorado state competition for the Miss Universe pageant
  • Was a cheerleader for the Denver Broncos
  • Was discovered working as a receptionist at American International Pictures (probably the B movie company of all time)
  • Sang the theme song in The Big Doll House
  • Was on the cover of Ms. and Playboy at the same time
  • Holds two honorary doctorates
  • Is a big knitter

Where can I learn more?


Disco!


<#12          #10>